Rantings...

iSpy ‘a Russian’ with my little eye…

In US on June 30, 2010 at 5:44 AM

A spy? A lesson on why you shouldn't post your pics on Facebook...

Good news folks, spies are back. Not since the cold war have intelligence agencies seemed so, um, intelligent? First, we had the Israeli Dubai assassination caper, which lets face it, if not for the dead man was quite entertaining, in a Steven Spielberg Munich kind of way. All we needed were bell-bottoms and cheesy 70’s music. No wait, I think we had that.

Now we have suburban spies. On Monday, 11-people were accused of spying on the US from deeply embedded households in suburban America. From their well-to-do homes in a variety of pretty neighborhoods, the defendants are charged with attempting to gather information regarding US-foreign policy and recruit additional agents, at the bequest of the Russian Intelligence Agency, S.V.R, formally known as the cloak-and-dagger K.G.B.

After gathering useful information, the accused would meet at clandestine locations such as parks, train stations and…Starbucks, where they would use encrypting software or the good old-fashioned identical bag swap to exchange data, which they would then send off to the motherland. The FBI, which had been investigating the case for a number of years, and waited until the Russian President Dmitri Medvedev had left the country after eating a hamburger with Obama to make their move. The Russians have denied any involvement in the saga. As they would, for it would be impolite to steal the President’s chips.

But the fun shouldn’t stop here. If intelligence agencies are so smart, why do they keep getting caught? So in the spirit of espionage, I thought we could devise a few strategies for the future…

1. Try something new
Now, I know there is the old adage that if it ain’t broke don’t fix it, but how about the one, if it is broke, do? Look guys, the problem is that we have seen every spy book and film there is. We know all about the midnight drop-offs, marking X on letterboxes (Hey, I saw – A Beautiful Mind) and sneaky package exchanges. It is so cliche. You’ve really got to come up with something new. Maybe, use some kind of social media exchange? A Facebook group perhaps? If its right there out in the open, no-one will ever believe it is clandestine. And it has fantastic viral marketing opportunities.

2. Try something old
When I say old, I mean way old. Bible old. In those days they made them spies march through the desert for their information. By the time, they got anywhere and back, 40-years had gone by and they had been hallucinating so much due to dehydration that anything they said could have been the truth. If you walk, far enough for long enough, you may find some useful information. If not, you get to experience a hallucinogenic trip in the desert. Hey, you could even start a new religion or nationalist movement. Tomorrow’s today.

3. Try something borrowed
I think you might need to borrow from some other genres. A romantic comedy? A horror? A musical number, maybe? No, wait a sec, how about a different platform? The spy flick is old, and bible is way old, how about the iPhone version? iSpy. It is a game by which users gather secret information, and share it with their ‘friends’. The person with the best information, disseminated to the most players, wins the game. And everyone else is executed. It may need an 18-plus rating though. No one likes dead kids.

4. Try something blue
Avatar – A lesson in espionage. All you have to do is create a blue avatar and send him or her to a distant planet such as the US of A, and make him befriend and deflower the chief’s daughter. Or in this case two. Then the world is yours. But you may have to wait until the girls are out of high school for this one. Or more ideally, send in a 10-year-old spy. Start them young. No suspicion would ever be raised. It is perfect.

You got any better ideas?

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